you are a forever memory of a summer already passed, but i feel your warmth still.
on days i am naive, i think you a blanket in this harsh winter. i dream of you, within my grasp, your hugs a promise of everlast.
on days i am angry, i think you Florida’s heat. The suffocating humidity leeching on my skin, infiltrating my lungs, an intruder in every inch of my being. except what i despise most is your absence- no, your willingness to be absent, your lack of intrusion.
on days i simply am, i do not think of you. i like to believe that i do not think of you. i only wish you well. i hope you are well. are you well?
old soul, why do you torment yourself?
why do you chain your feet
and claim yourself flightless?
what are you looking for?
pity? in this reservoir of pain you will find,
but for what? at the expense of what?
you slice your skin
to taint the reservoir red
a cry for help, the signs i see.
but do you see?
you torment me, too,
this resentment you hold is buried
so deep within veins
of blood foreign to me.
old soul i’ve swam the river to get to you.
i’ve given you all my bandaids and safety pins.
old soul, i’ve tried my best.
old soul, i love you.
but old soul, i cannot give you what you want.
for what you seek is dark and grim
sinister like the sight of a slaughtered pig-
what you seek is death.
i can’t convince a walking dead man to live.
the birds perched themselves on my window today.
pecked at my hand while i fed them grain. When they’d had their fill they sang hymns as i watched but stopped as soon as my gaze dropped.
it was as though they’d heard the echoed sadness bounce from the walls of my confinement.
for they looked at me in pity — but i only smiled, and then they flew away.
send me love, for i need it now.
send me strength, for i stand barely now.
hold my hand, it is cold.
hold me in your arms, i am scared.
whisper to me, unsure as you are,
that i will be okay again.
whisper to me, sure as you are?
that you will never let me be in pain.
take me into you.
let me stay awhile.
i hope you wish i’d stay forever, you don’t.
it is okay.
take me into you.
ask me to stay just awhile.
i won’t overstay my welcome this time.
i promise this time.
i won’t spill my guts and ask you to care for me this time.
please just hold me this time.
please just pretend you love me this time.
my first love was a box of strawberries
a guessing game, the odds at 50/50
every bite was exhilarating in its uncertainty
sweet or sour? or both?
my first love was 50/50
split right down the middle
between happiness and disappointment
the sweetness lingering,
the sourness making me flinch
but every bite leaving me hooked.
for awhile it was a honeyed streak,
every taste making me fall deeper
but i guess i wanted to save it,
to savour the good ones slowly,
i guess i left them out too long,
for when i returned for them,
they’d already browned
inedible and leaving me wondering
what if, i hadn’t waited?
it was a slow birth – our love,
like the wavering flame that never seemed quite sure of how long it might keep burning.
i thought it strangled at first, it’s struggle for oxygen, threatening to out a heartbreak at any given moment. My impatience for love meant my confidence was depleted, i contemplated putting it out myself.
but you, with your Gentle Giant hands always fed it kindle, quiet whispers of air to keep it ablaze. Your love was compelling, a sky of orange and reds, the heat a comforting wave of warmth.
I learnt oranges and reds are my favourite colours. You are my favourite colour. Thank you for teaching me the colours of love.
authors note! a lil more personal than what i usually post on here but this was my year summed, i hope you enjoy! (:
2019, you alone have felt like an entire decade with your rock climb of impulsive decisions and wearing your heart on your sleeve, putting on full display the intricate stitches of your sensitivity, leaving me wide eyed, a child waiting to see how this version of a superhero film would play out.
2019, you have been a pain in the ass, you have brought forward emotions i never again wanted to experience, thoughts i never again wanted to resurface and you have come and you have gone, in the process leaving me immolated, but in exchange for what?
i know, i know, in exchange for strength and growth that i will eventually learn to be thankful to have had the liberty of experiencing but for now it weighs on my heart like a plate added onto my max rep, too heavy to lift entirely, and so i hold it but a breath above the ground, praying that my muscles grow before they sore and that once again the protagonist wins the battle, albeit and despite it being an overused plot.
but 2019, you have taught me love i have never imagined, you have taught me care in a manner reimagined and you have shown my cheeks to kiss the crinkles near my eyes so many a time that even with sadness there came no regrets. hence i leave you with a kiss and a hug, a cup of warm milk, freshly baked cookies and a bag of sour gummy worms, the perfect heartache remedy to bid you adieu.
these days my mother is always in her room
legs crossed or splayed out
it doesn’t matter – detached
her conscious is not present with me
i can no longer reach her
i am no longer her happy place.
these days i’ve uprooted my father’s beliefs
made him question
the foundations he built our home across
he smiles and asks me how my day was
but texts me all i have done to destabilise his grounds
i have failed as daddy’s little girl.
these days my uncertainties haunt me
i am uneasy, heart murmurs like
zaps of electricity restarting my heart
when i forget to breathe
these days i struggle to remember the people who love me,
because like a mocking rerun, i am constantly reminded
of the people i love who’ve hurt me
of the people who i thought loved me
of the people who didn’t bat an eyelash when they left me.
i look to the sky and i can no longer
find the flowery scent that diffuses my worries
instead i see thick smoke – feel it infiltrating my lungs
and at night when i close my eyes
the one who has never left walks me through my fears
anxiety, i’ll see you real soon.
Since you’ve let me go
I have learnt of you.
Since you’ve let me go
I’ve gotten to know you through every single time
my heart broke, again.
I feel like an abandoned puppy
Unaware of how naive it is to be missing someone
Who never turned back
To be loving someone
Who made me feel my love was trivial
My broken heart hysterical
Since you let me go
Let me teach myself that I know love best
Let me remind myself that my love is best
My best Friend
You make me feel like a girl for loving you
Once upon a time romantic
It was heartwarming and naive
A sacred knock on my heart
My best Friend
You make me feel like a girl for loving you still
You hold a familial place in my heart
But every time someone mentions your name now
I hear of a stranger; things of you I never knew
things strangers to you knew
You’d always sworn there was nothing I did
Not know about you
The way you looked at me
Was I a girl, as you a boy,
For trusting you?
Hold my body like a prayer,
whisper sacred hymns.
Chant the blessed rituals,
tell none of the way we sin.
Delicate dancers falling in step,
the melody a casket witnessing our love.
Joint harmony on the world class stage,
private lovers belting our song.
We move in perfect rhythm
chest, breast, thigh, waist.
Complements painting skylines
of reds and pinks, oranges and yellows
an explosion of colours
the crackling campfire flame.