I might have claimed us star-crossed lovers, if you weren’t the force working against us. If, there was an us. If, we loved. Instead, I was a starry eyed lover, beckoning my favourite night sky – mapping the stars and the constellations with my hands stretched out, narrowing the focus of my line of sight. I’ve always loved the sky, perhaps that is why I love you.

Love, present.

Then, I suppose star-struck I was by the way you showed me a world beyond the limits of the sky, the way you taught me the milky way, the way you introduced the idea of endless possibilities, of sincere limitless opportunity. To me you were a galaxy, the evolution of a universe I had never studied or understood, but one that I accepted without hesitation, the comfort of your presence I always wanted to live within.

It is not that I was unaware of the distance I’d have had to travel to be within your sphere. It is not that I refused to acknowledge the blisters that developed in my pursuit. Instead it is that I painted false hues of confidence on my skin, wishing they would harden and stand the blows and pain that I might inflict upon my fragile heart. I guess my plans fell through. I guess my precaution did not suffice. I say I guess because the paint has cracked, my confidence has seeped through the crevices of my pretence and I am no longer certain.

See, I offered my heart to your sky and your universe, but now I am taking it back. I am retracting the hand I once stretched out, I am witnessing the flaws unfold and play out.

I do not believe in deserving, and hence I hold no resentment for what we might have been. I do not blame you for not loving me the way I spend so many nights wishing you would. I do not blame you for not holding my hand and cradling my heart the way I did yours. Most of all I do not blame you for not wanting the same us as I did.

Instead I thank you for your time and your consideration. I say thank you because I know ever so often you kept me in mind, I say thank you because I know at times you really did try. Thank you for listening to my late night rambles, for bearing my thoughts even when they were in shambles. Thank you for entertaining my demands, for allowing my forehead kisses and occasionally lending me your arms. Thank you for allowing love to stop by, even if she knocked only at my door.

Dear star crossed lover, I hope to never remember you a nightmare, but instead think you a dream.

goodnight